I'M NOT AN ADDICT
From Life With Hope Our Stories. Pages 147 to 151
How could I be an addict? My life is great. I live in
a very good area of Los Angeles, drive a nice sports car,
have a good job, pay all my bills, and have a wonderful
family. This is not the kind of person I grew up believing
an addict was. So I smoke pot every day. I still take care of
business when it needs to be done. I just use marijuana to
relax when I get home from work. I never smoke before or
during my job. So I smoke from 4 p.m. âtil midnight every
night and do nothing but watch television. Itâs not a problem;
I have nothing else to do anyway.
Then one of those nights hit when I ran out of pot. I
was climbing the walls. I went crazy. I called everyone I
knew to score even a roach. I remember one night driving
39 miles in a bad storm to get a half a joint from a
complete stranger just to get through the night. I remember
calling my dealer every hour on the hour to see if it had
come in yet. I bought pot from people I normally wouldnât
have even talked to much less done business with. What
had happened to me? I thought I was using because I wanted
to. Now I found that I was using because I had to. I had
become an addict!
After 13 years of using I couldnât take it anymore.
The reality finally hit me that I had no life and that every
day was the same. Get up, go to work, come home and
spend the rest of the evening stoned in front of the TV with
a soda in one hand, a bag of chips in the other and the bong
loaded and ready to go! This was the extent of my life, day
in and day out for 13 years. Oh, I had lots of friends. One
reason might have been that I always had a bag of pot on
the coffee table with papers and a pipe ready to go. If you
came in just help yourself. That way I didnât have to go out
and I still had the illusion of having a lot of good friends. I
would go to parties occasionally, but only if I knew most of
the people that were going to be there. I didnât like being
stoned in front of people I didnât know in case I made a
fool of myself. I very rarely took vacations since most of
my money was going into pot. My life was boring. If it
werenât for people coming over to my house, I probably
would have never seen anyone.
The day finally came when I had a moment of
clarity. I hope I never forget that day. I just couldnât take it
any more. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just
wanted the pain of everyday life to stop! I wanted my life to
be so much more, but I had no idea how to achieve it. I
cried out to my Higher Power that night to help me or, if
that was not possible, to end my life now! I cried like a
baby for quite a while when I heard that little voice in my
head that told me to put away the pot. It was time to stop.
For one of the first times in my life I decided to listen to
that voice instead of doing it my way.
First I cleaned my bong and my pipes, grabbed my
pot, and locked it all up in a drawer. Next I got a therapist.
Since I was very depressed with my daily life, I figured that
I needed to find a therapist to help me with my problems.
Never once did I figure that pot might be the cause of my
depression. On my first visit to the therapist, I told her that
I had been smoking for 13 years, but that I had stopped and
was not going to use anymore. I will never forget her
comment to me.
First she told me that pot was a depressant and might
have been the reason for my depression over the years. I
couldnât believe it. I had been smoking pot all these years
because I was depressed and it was making me more
depressed. I was stuck in a catch-22. Second she told me
that I would need help in quitting. Why would I need help?
I had been clean for over 3 weeks and I figured I now had
the self-control not to use again. She told me that, if I were
an addict, self-control would not be enough. She said,
âSure, maybe youâre okay now, but how about in another
week or month or year?â Since I was paying her good
money, I decided to listen to the expert and try her way.
After all, I was there because I needed change in my life,
and the only way change would happen would be if I
listened to someone else. Doing it my way obviously hadnât
worked, and if I continued to do it my way then nothing
was going to change.
Now was the time to try following someone elseâs
suggestions. She told me that I should look into an
outpatient program at the drug rehabilitation center. After
speaking with the counselor at the center I didnât feel that
their program was right for me, but I did hear a very
important message. The message that I heard very clearly
was that I needed to get to a twelve-step program.
Since MA was very young in the San Jose area
(2-3 years old?) the counselor had not heard of it yet, so
another twelve-step program was suggested. I started to go
to this other program, but the problem was that I could not
relate to the stories that I was hearing.
After 5 or 6 meetings I was starting to think that the
Twelve Steps were not for me, when all of a sudden a friend
of mine called. She was also trying to quit smoking pot and
called to tell me of a twelve-step program that she had
found in Santa Cruz that was wonderful. Everyone that she
had heard speak at the meeting she could relate to. They all
had the same problem that we had, POT! She sent me a
meeting schedule for the San Jose area, and I ended up at
my first Marijuana Anonymous meeting. I was so nervous
walking into that meeting by myself. I never used to do
anything by myself. I always needed someone to be there
with me, but as I walked into the room with only about 6
people in it, I felt a calm instantly come over me. I just
knew that I was in the right place. As the meeting
progressed I found myself relating to everyone that spoke.
They were telling my story. They knew exactly what I was
feeling and going through. I was HOME!
I have now been a part of Marijuana Anonymous for
over 5 years as I am writing this. I canât begin to describe
all the changes that have happened to me because of this
program. By being honest with myself and realizing I had a
problem I was able to start on the road to recovery. I
swallowed hard and reached out for help. I listened to the
people who had walked this path of recovery ahead of me
and followed their suggestions. I found a sponsor within a
couple of months so I would have a person that could guide
me through the Twelve Steps, as he understood them. I
began my Steps and rediscovered my belief in a Higher
Power. Over the years practicing the Twelve Steps, to the
best of my ability, I have started to receive the greatest gift
of all, a belief in myself!
I can honestly say today that I have a good life. Each
day will always have its ups and downs and that I have no
control over, but it is my attitude towards these times that
will determine how I feel about life. For the first time in as
long as I can remember, I find that most problems donât get
to me half as much as they used to. I now know that if I use
or get angry that the problem will still be there. The only
way to get through the problem is to deal with it, not avoid
it! When hard times come along now I know there is a
better way to handle the situation. The program has given
me many tools to use in my life and all I have to do is use
them. I now have a belief in a Higher Power that is there 24
hours a day for me. I know that there is always a meeting to
go to and true friends to reach out to that will be there to
help me just as I am there for them.
I can honestly look at my life today and say how
grateful I am to be a member in the fellowship of
Marijuana Anonymous. I have so much today that I never
dreamed I could have. These things didnât happen overnight,
and I know that I have a long way to go. I now know
that because of the Twelve Steps I have a chance to reach
the goals I had always just dreamed of.